Insidious Insecurity
Sometimes it is worth remembering that even the shiny ones get insecure. Calico followed up riffing on maymay’s excellent comment on that first post, reminding us again that "Your sex appeal is not your self worth".
And that is, of course, very true. (really, just go read her post)
Of course, there are times you just really want to be all twisted steel and sex appeal. Everyone wants to be desirable to those they want to be desired by. And it is insidious sometimes, how our minds will latch onto a certain self image and not budge.
For instance, not long after this post, I ended up in a long IM conversation with a friend about my sex drive and my insecurities about sex, sexual performance, and my perception of myself as desirable or not.
I do not think of myself as someone who people just instantly find pretty and hot and desirable. Charming, yes. Fun, yes. Eventually sexy because sex appeal is by no means limited to simple aesthetics, yes. But I tend not (for various reasons) think of myself as "see across the room/dance/fire/what have you and go YUM, must have" hot. It always confuses me some when anything like that happens.
My friend asked me, "You do know there are people who think you are just pretty and hot, right?"
And yes, I do know that. And no, I do not base my entire self-worth on that. But to show you how insidious these kinds of things can be, even as I acknowledged that as true, and felt somewhat better about it, my brain could not help but notice that she constructed it in passive voice - thus excluding herself. Messed up, I know.
We are a mass of contradictions, we humans, and we do live in a society that insists being pretty (whatever that might be) is of such importance. As if pretty and desirable were the same thing anyway.
I have a coffee with my ex to go to, and am feeling introspective.
oooh, I like this template much better. The other one was confusing to look at.
Comment by Wendy — January 17, 2008 @ 2:14 am
“But I tend not (for various reasons) think of myself as “see across the room/dance/fire/what have you and go YUM, must have” hot. It always confuses me some when anything like that happens.”
I think everyone is a little confused when that happens. I always spend five minutes going “Wait…what?! You think I’m hot? No way. Weird. Are you sure?”
Comment by Wendy — January 17, 2008 @ 2:16 am
Wendy - I actually did some searching about blogsome templates and have an idea for another one. So this might change as well (I don’t like how it centers the title, for one thing). I really would like to set it up where the last few comments show up on one of the sidebars.
As for the “everyone is a little confused”… I don’t know. I think there are people who grew up so long as being pretty that they aren’t. And also, as Calico points out in her post, in sex work you are constantly getting attention, although it is in some ways not about you.
Comment by Victor — January 17, 2008 @ 6:33 am
I’ve been trying to figure out how to discuss the effect I think my clothes at the Flea had on my behavior, and this struck me as a good starting point.
I will hopefully discuss this with you in person or write on it more extensively, but for now–
I found it utterly fascinating the extent to which I seemed to have “latched on” to a certain image, and the extent to which I “couldn’t budge.”
Wearing the amazing dress Saturday, I spent a lot of the time following other people around and didn’t even look at the schedule to see if there was something I might want to do independently. There are, of course, other explanations for this behavior– but I was in more or less the same company Sunday. But I should make clear– I was perfectly comfortable in the dress. I didn’t feel indecent, and I loved the way it swished around my ankles and my shoes clicked under me. I was just shy and quiet all day.
Sunday, I put on jeans, the red Fetish shirt, my wings, horns, and the top half of a very small bathing suit, finishing the look off with my shiny red leash. Even with most of my skin covered, I was drawing more attention than I had noticed in the dress. I was approaching strangers, making eyes at the guy staring from across the room, and, when my companions arrived, led them a couple places instead of making small suggestions and following blithely. I had more people approach me, too, or call out from vendors’ booths. I was in my element.
Was it that I’d become accustomed to the environment– or is it that I can only truly play the temptress inviting stares from six miles away if I’m doing it with horns and a tail?
(Or, for that matter, is it actually just a matter of comfortable shoes?)
Also, I like this template better than the old one, but the color scheme reminds me of a Where’s Waldo book I used to have. And the title font is awful. And it doesn’t really speak to me of you.
Comment by Demonezade — January 18, 2008 @ 12:52 am