High Impact Relationships
That’s actually the name for a PR request that came through at work: "High-Impact Relationship Building". Sadly, it is about networking, and not about relationships based on impact toys.
Catching up with Rona’s blog has filled my head with posts I should make, but I am at work and this would take too long to do all of them. Nonetheless, she weighs in on the subject of money, spinning off of the post by Axe earlier this month that seems to be all the rage these days. Go read the whole thing (not that I think anyone reading this doesn’t already read her far more informative blog anyway).
I mostly agree with Rona’s feeling that gifts and money and such only weird me out when there are expectations brought with them. I do think I am often very bad at noticing that other people have issues with money in terms of gifts. I have some friends, most notably women, who have very visceral reactions to accepting help. Since I like giving when I have something interesting to give, I think I sometimes walk all over their hesitations. Sometimes.
Luckily for most, I primarily express my affection through food, and cooking food for someone seems less triggery most of the time.
I have had a number of lovers/girlfriends/partners who made vastly more money than me. Some have handled the power imbalance that holds better than others. My first girlfriend never used it as a lever, but did enjoy buying things when she thought they were nice (taking me to a good meal, buying me a toy, etc). I never once felt it was being done with an expectation that I owed her or that she was buying my affection. Nor that it was money being spent to impress.
My second girlfriend was less deft. She loved buying me things, but there was a distinct sense of it as a lever of control. It took some time for me to see that, but I grew to hate it, and it is something I try to avoid (on either side) in relationships. I think not acknowledging money issues and the power dynamic they create is probably a recipe for trouble, but I do think they can be managed. I’m even with Rona on the thought that if people want to openly view something as an exchange of commodities, then I’m ok with that. (Just don’t pretend it isn’t that. Of course, I am of the "lying subverts meaningful consent" camp, as some of you know.)
I don’t have time to touch Axe’s actual post (which you should read) or Eileen’s response (which you should also read, including the comments). Maybe later if I’m not exhausted after tennis tonight.
Yay for you expressing your affection through food, because you do it so very well.
Comment by Rona — October 22, 2008 @ 12:12 am
Flatterer. ^_^
However, even that does tie into the discussion you and Eileen had about time and energy and financial expense.
Oddly, I would feel vastly more awkward giving someone a physical object worth as much as the time and ingredients of an excellent meal. I think you two are right in that it has a lot to do with the attitude underlying things.
It somewhat reminds me of a talk I had with someone last Thanksgiving. He was discussing his beloved, and how he thinks she should be treated like a queen. “She deserves it,” he said, “I really believe that.” Then he checked himself and continued, “But just because she deserves it doesn’t mean she’s entitled to it.”
Comment by Victor — October 22, 2008 @ 12:27 am