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Bad Evo-Psych always drives me a little nuts.

 The latest little news report to get under my skin is a piece that starts with this tidbit of radical "scientific truth":

 Scientists have found that the pleasure women get from making love is directly linked to the size of their partner’s bank balance.

Ah yes, the delightful reminder that you can get almost anything reported if you simply confirm sexist tropes. Where the actual paper is published is never mentioned, so that raises red flags. As far as what they actually found, the article reports it thusly:

 The Chinese Health and Family Life Survey targeted 5,000 people across China for in-depth interviews about their personal lives, including questions about their sex lives, income and other factors. Among these were 1,534 women with male partners whose data was the basis for the study.

They found that 121 of these women always had orgasms during sex, while 408 more had them “often”. Another 762 “sometimes” orgasmed while 243 had them rarely or never. Such figures are similar to those for western countries.

There were of course, several factors involved in such differences but, said Pollet, money was one of the main ones.

He said: “Increasing partner income had a highly positive effect on women’s self-reported frequency of orgasm.

 So, to summarize - women in China reported more orgasms as their male partner’s income increased. Of course, we have no actual data given, but let’s assume there was an actual correlation.  If so, would you leap to the conclusion that it is the size of the income that is producing the orgasms, because richer men are more desirable lovers? What other possible explanations could there be? (I leave that question as an exercise to the readers, since I am pretty sure my readers aren’t stupid.)

 This kind of thing drives me batty, but things that reassure the "common wisdom" are far easier to get press for. Evo Psych might have been an interesting field, but is used primarily to provide "scientific" cover for some heavy gender-essentialism.

 Of course, when the "great minds" of the Evo Psych field such as David Buss produce this explanation of why the female orgasm exists,  you see why.

"They could promote emotional bonding with a high-quality male or they could serve as a signal that women are highly sexually satisfied, and hence unlikely to seek sex with other men,” he said. “What those orgasms are saying is ‘I’m extremely loyal, so you should invest in me and my children’."

 I had an interesting conversation this weekend concerning jealousy. Someone I’ve met recently was discussing a past relationship, and trying to explain some of the jealousy dynamic. He admitted to being very jealous, but struggled to clarify something about his reactions to his lover’s flirting.

 "The less safe you felt in the relationship, the more the little things that you knew intellectually shouldn’t bother you got under your skin," I said, and I was exactly right. 

I thought it odd he seemed shocked I understood that, as it seems quite self-evident to me. Nonetheless, he seemed moved by the insight, as if he had been blamed for his jealousy more often than having it understood.

I understood because that’s where I was this weekend. That simple pattern, the safer I feel in the relationship the less jealous I am, is crystal clear in my relationships. I can be full of mudita when I am feeling safe, but if not, I can be wracked with jealousy and possessiveness. 

 In my case this weekend, it had to do with viewing this weekend as the anniversary of something, and therefore having expectations of it. This is largely unfair to the person involved, as the weekend isn’t particularly about me in her eyes. I get time with her this weekend because her boyfriends and girlfriends are unavailable/busy. Last year, this sudden extended chance to have time with her was an opening of new possibilities. This year, there was less time (both due to my scheduling and due others being less busy) and so whenever  someone was free there would be a phone call and "X is joining us".  I realized before the weekend started that I was somewhat possessive of this time, and as she made clear it was just that other people were busy, I tried to remind myself I shouldn’t view it as a likely repeat of out time last year.

 Expectations will sneak up and bite you, though.  Had I realized earlier I had emotionally invested in this, I might have done a better job of squelching those weasels ‘ere they showed up.  Instead, as I had brought it up, I think she felt obligated to stick around me when her boy was free, and thus I ended up tag-along, which was probably worse than just letting them go off to do their own thing and finding something to occupy my time. 

 Of course, the reason this got under my skin also has to do with the fact that feeling like I only get her when the people she has commitments to aren’t busy has been an issue with us for a while. She’s never really promised me anything else, of course, and prioritizing her actual boyfriends and girlfriends is completely normal and right of her. I think that over time, though, I’ve come to realize I would want more and am not going to get it. It doesn’t come up often, but just often enough that I’ve learned all plans with her are tentative until a little before she’s going to show at the door. As I always feel a bit on edge, I get possessive of the time I do get.

 This sort of pattern is probably the most common one I’ve seen behind jealousy, and is certainly the most common one I’ve personally experienced. I’ve never quite understood the idea Poly people sometimes seem to have of jealousy being something that is "transcended" by the person being jealous. While I agree jealousy is usually a symptom of some other fear or unmet need, addressing those fears or having that need met is the solution, not some sort of mystical state of un-jealousy. 

My conversation companion seemed to be at peace with his jealousy issues. While he had some thwarted expectations for the weekend, he seemed to have reconnected with an old lover and was in a good headspace all in all. Feeling safe and desired, he begrudged no one for their own desires, which while perhaps not the ultimate in enlightened joy in everyone else’s joy, is still a pretty nice way to view the world.

 

She of the couch conversation had me over last night and we did do some talking. I do think I am prone to see someone who is very up front about desires and limits in a favorable light given my history of terrible communicators.

 That’s not to say I don’t carry my general paranoia about whether people are being honest about things, or reading too much into things too quickly with me still; I do. This trip, issues in other people’s relationships have probably accentuated that general worry of mine. But even when I am somewhat unsure, someone trying very hard to be clear about what she wants and what I can expect is particularly good at convincing me I should at least be open to the possibilities.

 Deliciously hot begging isn’t entirely ineffective, either. (Not that it always gets you what you want, either.)

  Even if I might not act on it, it is nice to visit a town where I feel physically desirable. Sex may not be the be-all and end-all of what I find important in relationships, but it is nice to actually have it again. It would be nicer to have a girlfriend, but a lover or two I visit every few months isn’t terrible.