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 I had an interesting conversation this weekend concerning jealousy. Someone I’ve met recently was discussing a past relationship, and trying to explain some of the jealousy dynamic. He admitted to being very jealous, but struggled to clarify something about his reactions to his lover’s flirting.

 "The less safe you felt in the relationship, the more the little things that you knew intellectually shouldn’t bother you got under your skin," I said, and I was exactly right. 

I thought it odd he seemed shocked I understood that, as it seems quite self-evident to me. Nonetheless, he seemed moved by the insight, as if he had been blamed for his jealousy more often than having it understood.

I understood because that’s where I was this weekend. That simple pattern, the safer I feel in the relationship the less jealous I am, is crystal clear in my relationships. I can be full of mudita when I am feeling safe, but if not, I can be wracked with jealousy and possessiveness. 

 In my case this weekend, it had to do with viewing this weekend as the anniversary of something, and therefore having expectations of it. This is largely unfair to the person involved, as the weekend isn’t particularly about me in her eyes. I get time with her this weekend because her boyfriends and girlfriends are unavailable/busy. Last year, this sudden extended chance to have time with her was an opening of new possibilities. This year, there was less time (both due to my scheduling and due others being less busy) and so whenever  someone was free there would be a phone call and "X is joining us".  I realized before the weekend started that I was somewhat possessive of this time, and as she made clear it was just that other people were busy, I tried to remind myself I shouldn’t view it as a likely repeat of out time last year.

 Expectations will sneak up and bite you, though.  Had I realized earlier I had emotionally invested in this, I might have done a better job of squelching those weasels ‘ere they showed up.  Instead, as I had brought it up, I think she felt obligated to stick around me when her boy was free, and thus I ended up tag-along, which was probably worse than just letting them go off to do their own thing and finding something to occupy my time. 

 Of course, the reason this got under my skin also has to do with the fact that feeling like I only get her when the people she has commitments to aren’t busy has been an issue with us for a while. She’s never really promised me anything else, of course, and prioritizing her actual boyfriends and girlfriends is completely normal and right of her. I think that over time, though, I’ve come to realize I would want more and am not going to get it. It doesn’t come up often, but just often enough that I’ve learned all plans with her are tentative until a little before she’s going to show at the door. As I always feel a bit on edge, I get possessive of the time I do get.

 This sort of pattern is probably the most common one I’ve seen behind jealousy, and is certainly the most common one I’ve personally experienced. I’ve never quite understood the idea Poly people sometimes seem to have of jealousy being something that is "transcended" by the person being jealous. While I agree jealousy is usually a symptom of some other fear or unmet need, addressing those fears or having that need met is the solution, not some sort of mystical state of un-jealousy. 

My conversation companion seemed to be at peace with his jealousy issues. While he had some thwarted expectations for the weekend, he seemed to have reconnected with an old lover and was in a good headspace all in all. Feeling safe and desired, he begrudged no one for their own desires, which while perhaps not the ultimate in enlightened joy in everyone else’s joy, is still a pretty nice way to view the world.

 

She of the couch conversation had me over last night and we did do some talking. I do think I am prone to see someone who is very up front about desires and limits in a favorable light given my history of terrible communicators.

 That’s not to say I don’t carry my general paranoia about whether people are being honest about things, or reading too much into things too quickly with me still; I do. This trip, issues in other people’s relationships have probably accentuated that general worry of mine. But even when I am somewhat unsure, someone trying very hard to be clear about what she wants and what I can expect is particularly good at convincing me I should at least be open to the possibilities.

 Deliciously hot begging isn’t entirely ineffective, either. (Not that it always gets you what you want, either.)

  Even if I might not act on it, it is nice to visit a town where I feel physically desirable. Sex may not be the be-all and end-all of what I find important in relationships, but it is nice to actually have it again. It would be nicer to have a girlfriend, but a lover or two I visit every few months isn’t terrible.

 

Perhaps one should simply be wary of anyone with a touch of the fey.

The Elfling called before I got on the bus, asking if I would like to be seen off at the bus station (since I had expressed sadness at being canceled-on by the Demon).

Stopping at her place I was greeted with sharp, biting kisses, and the observation that except for at the party I haven’t kissed her feet all visit. We rectified that, left some marks on each others’ flesh, and she demonstrated why she had told her boyfriend she wasn’t going to cut her nails as he had asked until my visit was over.

Her new boy is opposed to her having sex with me, although he is more comfortable than her old one with her playing “Schrödinger’s Switch” with me than her previous beau. He seems to intellectually perceive me as no threat, but his gut is yelling “My Girlfriend!” and I happen to think that is entirely legitimate (and, indeed, healthily self-aware).

Aside from that, both the Elfling and myself independently came to the conclusion that having sex (while something both of us want) is not the best idea for us right now. It’s a shame that the promise of Dionysian abandon was raised, but both of us were working from the perspective of the limits imposed by the previous relationship being no longer operative, rather than taking into account the realities of the new relationship. So while the desire remains strong, and both of us could easily find ways to forget where the lines are, neither of us thinks this is a good idea.

Still, it was nice to have someone drop me off at the bus and keep me company, it’s something I’m very fond of, and haven’t really had since my ex and I broke up. Having a pretty brunette kneel at your feet and alternately pinch and massage your legs while waiting for a bus back to a job you don’t want is always a nice extra, of course.

 Sadly, my hopes for some Dionysian abandon on this trip are unlikely to be fulfilled. I think the lovely nymph in question sadly underestimated her boy’s comfort with this plan. Or rather, she didn’t think to schedule things so as to allow for him to meet me and be more ok with things before continuing.

 I am not sure what I think of her new boy. He seems very hovering, but that could have been any number of factors. He seems a little less antisocial than her last, but still seems to set me a bit on edge. I might just be too worried about him being rebound and her moving too fast with him.

 In general, though, I have not felt super sexy on this trip. The reminder that I am the one who gets bumped when Demon’s schedule makes trouble for the people she has committed days to was unwelcome. I was already over-stressed and that was just a touch of lemon juice to the earlier paper cuts. I really had hoped to be wished off to the bus. The Elfling’s schedule problems above didn’t help, and I don’t know if I will be acting on the Pixie’s invitation. This may end up being a far more chaste trip than I had originally hoped, but I am not feeling the fire. More to the point, I am feeling a need for the fire to be stoked, and I don’t know if any one here is willing or wanting to do that.

That’s actually the name for a PR request that came through at work: "High-Impact Relationship Building".  Sadly, it is about networking, and not about relationships based on impact toys.

 Catching up with Rona’s blog has filled my head with posts I should make, but I am at work and this would take too long to do all of them.  Nonetheless, she weighs in on the subject of money, spinning off of the post by Axe earlier this month that seems to be all the rage these days. Go read the whole thing (not that I think anyone reading this doesn’t already read her far more informative blog anyway). 

 I mostly agree with Rona’s feeling that gifts and money and such only weird me out when there are expectations brought with them.  I do think I am often very bad at noticing that other people have issues with money in terms of gifts. I have some friends, most notably women, who have very visceral reactions to accepting help. Since I like giving when I have something interesting to give, I think I sometimes walk all over their hesitations. Sometimes. 

Luckily for most, I primarily express my affection through food, and cooking food for someone seems less triggery most of the time.

 I have had a number of lovers/girlfriends/partners who made vastly more money than me. Some have handled the power imbalance that holds better than others. My first girlfriend never used it as a lever, but did enjoy buying things when she thought they were nice (taking me to a good meal, buying me a toy, etc). I never once felt it was being done with an expectation that I owed her or that she was buying my affection. Nor that it was money being spent to impress. 

My second girlfriend was less deft. She loved buying me things, but there was a distinct sense of it as a lever of control. It took some time for me to see that, but I grew to hate it, and it is something I try to avoid (on either side) in relationships.  I think not acknowledging money issues and the power dynamic they create is probably a recipe for trouble, but I do think they can be managed. I’m even with Rona on the thought that if people want to openly view something as an exchange of commodities, then I’m ok with that. (Just don’t pretend it isn’t that. Of course, I am of the "lying subverts meaningful consent" camp, as some of you know.)

 I don’t have time to touch Axe’s actual post (which you should read) or Eileen’s response (which you should also read, including the comments). Maybe later if I’m not exhausted after tennis tonight.